I noticed that parent at the playground again yesterday afternoon, pushing a toddler in a swing with one hand, and holding a baby with the other. Soon they are ready to go; crackers are offered to the toddler, the baby is bundled up, and both kids are strapped into the stroller. A typical scene, right? But with one major difference: this time, that parent is a dad. Specifically, a Stay-at-Home Dad, one of thousands who refer to themselves as “SAHDs”... no "Mr. Mom” for them, please.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but if this parent had been a mom, I wouldn’t have looked twice except perhaps to strike up a conversation about our children. But with a dad, it’s different. If you’re like me, you may be wondering, “What could compel a man to stay at home to care for his kids while his wife goes to work?” or “Does he really know how to take care of kids as well as a mother would?” and a myriad of questions and doubts we’re too embarrassed to say out loud. We’ve come a long way, baby, but our prejudices against SAHDs can sometimes be brutal. With their numbers ever increasing, perhaps it is time for a little enlightenment.

Recently I had the opportunity to chat with some Stay-at-Home Dads. I asked them questions, ranging from “Why
do you choose to stay at home?” to “What are some of the challenges and rewards of being a SAHD?” The answers may surprise you. For certain, these answers will give you a whole new appreciation for this parent in our midst.

The SAHDs I talked to came from many parts of the U.S. Some were relatively new to the role (9 months); others had been doing it quite a bit longer (9 years). They all planned to stay in their role as SAHD at least until the youngest child started school; many of them planned to stay at home longer.

The following SAHDs were gracious enough to take time out of their busy day to provide us with answers:
• Todd Bascom of Raleigh, North Carolina; dad to Aidan, 4 and Riley, 11 months.
• Robert Johnson of Casper, Wyoming; dad to Maddox, 8, Manning, 5, and Maggie, 1 ½.
• Hugh Barlow of Harlingen, Texas; dad to Ryan, 9 and Matthew, 4.
• Brian Charette of Oakland, California; dad to Hudson, 1.

• Richard Grady of Battle Creek, Michigan; dad to Kevin, 4, and Erin, 1.
• Mark Phillips of Midland, Michigan; dad to Noah, 9, Clara, 8, Natalie, 5, and Anna, 5.
• Tom Pheysey of Morris Plains, New Jersey: dad to Katie, 7.

Here, in their own words:
How did you decide to become a SAHD?
Brian: We had decided early in our marriage that it was important to us that we handle the primary caregiver duties for our children...It was a simple matter of economics... my wife was making double what I was bringing home, with far more earning potential at her job.

Todd: ... my wife’s career is far more lucrative financially than mine. So, when we decided one of us would stay home, I was the obvious choice.

Mark: Also, my personality lends itself to childcare more than hers (more patient, more flexible...).

What have you sacrificed by staying at home?

Robert: Male friends change, and almost disappear, because they ‘don’t know what to talk about’... I think isolation for the home dad is a huge factor and major sacrifice.

Richard: Well, aside from the obvious income, much of the sacrifice has been fairly intangible. As a stay-at-home parent, you don’t get adult conversation, it’s a little harder to stay up to date with the news, and you become essentially ‘on-call’ 24/7, since the kids look to you first when there is a problem.

Tom: Income, respect from others, and a bit of self-esteem. I had been renovating our 80-year-old home, and that has slowed almost to a stop. You can still see the vertical line where I stopped painting the outside when I started home schooling!

What have you gained by staying at home?

Todd: I have gained a very strong bond with my boys. I also love the fact that I have witnessed personally all the important milestones in their development so far.

Robert: The rewards are boundless and impossible to measure. Right now my baby is sitting on my lap, singing to me and pinching my nose.

Hugh: The love, adoration and respect of two beautiful little boys whom I can help to mold into helpful and productive members of society.

Brian: I gained the opportunity to be my child’s mentor as he discovers the world and the peace of mind in knowing that he is going to be safe and raised exactly as my wife and I envision.

Mark: I get to see the greatest miracle God ever made—the development of my children... This gives me a daily reminder of what is REALLY important.

Tom: It’s almost too vast to put into words. Moms understand, and perhaps take for granted the small daily things dads normally miss, like snuggling a child down for a nap, or seeing a child excel in a classroom, or learn to use a fork.

What are the biggest challenges you face as a Stay-at-Home Dad?

Hugh: ... I will say that this is one of the toughest jobs I have ever had to do. There are no breaks. Also, the stay-at-home dad is often on his own. Many of the working fathers have dropped him from their social circle because he no longer fits. He is the ‘Square Peg in a Round Hole.’ Working mothers generally have little to no contact with him and the stay-at-home mothers often look at him at the playground and at other venues where the kids go to play as a threat.

Todd: ... stay-at-home moms tend to avoid me like the plague... On more than one occasion, I’ve gone to playgrounds with the boys and groups of moms have pretty much run away from me if I try to strike up conversation. Perhaps there is some feeling amongst them that men are constantly on the prowl or something. All I want to do is have a conversation with an adult from time to time!

Tom: I’ve had moms turn their backs and walk away mid-conversation, I’ve had playmate phone calls not returned. Whatever gains women have made in the workplace are definitely NOT reciprocal on the home front, where dads are the maligned minority.

Richard: I think what makes this especially hard is that SAHMs often have various support groups (such as MOPS) and informal playgroups. These groups either explicitly forbid men from joining (as MOPS does), or have an informal bias against men, one which can leave you feeling unwelcome and keep you away from support. I’m not talking about emotional support, but rather the sharing of which doctors are good, which teachers are bad, which dentist has the shortest waiting time, and so forth.

What stereotypes have you faced as a SAHD?

Richard: ... that I am a SAHD because I could not hack it in the real world, that (as a man) I am less capable in caring for my children than a mother is, etc. I used to get asked at least once a week if I was babysitting my children, and I would politely reply, ‘No, I am being a father to my child. Parents do not baby-sit their own kids.’

Hugh: Down here in the Rio Grande Valley there is a very strong culture of masculinity called ‘machismo.’ According to the machismo tradition the man takes care of the family by working outside of the house while the woman stays home and takes care of the kids. To do otherwise is to seriously lose face and to be considered less than a man.

Brian: I’ve had to deal with the stereotype that if I’m not working, I must be lazy or unable to hold a job somehow. I’ve had to deal with people thinking that children should be with their mother rather than having dad raise them full time.

Tom: A father’s competence is always questioned, and the only way to overcome that is by repeated demonstration. I won the trust of some moms in my daughter’s co-op preschool because everyone saw me interact with the children.

What have your children gained from you staying at home?

Robert: My children know they are more important to me than anything else, that they are my primary obligation and I want to be with them more than anything else.

Hugh: I think that my sons have both gained some valuable insights into what it means to be a male in our society by having me as the stay-at-home parent.

Brian: I think that it will teach my son that it’s okay to go against stereotypes. I also believe that being male gives me a unique opportunity to model all day the traits I think would help shape him into a strong, confident young man.

Mark: My kids have a slightly wider view of the world than those in ‘traditional’ families. Almost all kids today recognize that women can work outside the house (unlike a few generations ago). Mine take for granted that Daddy is home with them all day. That opens up the possibilities that they can do whatever they want when they get older.

Tom: The gain will be in the future. If it holds true that the relationship between a daughter and a father plays a
subconscious role in the woman that daughter becomes and the relationships she has, then I imagine her not tolerating any guy who can’t do his own laundry or sew on a button, or who is not deeply involved in the lives of his children.

Talking with these stay-at-home dads has given me a whole new appreciation for the work they do. Clearly, they, like all of us, are putting parenting first in their lives. Perhaps it’s time to strike up a conversation with one of these fathers the next time we see him at the playground... maybe even consider setting up a play date for the kids. At the very least, we can give him the recognition and respect he so clearly deserves.

Martha Wegner is a freelance writer and mother of two living in St. Paul, Minnesota.