I sat across from him, listening and watching.

Assessing.

My oldest had grown from a six-pound, eleven-ounce newborn into a six-foot and “more to go” man-child. His uni-brow needed maintenance. There was a shadow of hair under his bottom lip and above his upper.

His hands engulfed mine as he held them. He looked at me with those thickly-lashed brown eyes, twinkling and pleading.
“Mom, that’s not sex!” said my fifteen-year old son with exasperation.

Really? Why would oral sex, something seen as so intimate, almost more so than sexual intercourse in my own and earlier generations, be seen so casually by my son’s?

In an attempt to justify his position he told me this; none of his friends saw oral sex as sex. His answer reflected the opposite of what we had taught him, what his dad and I believed. This was something I thought I would never hear from any of my four kids.

We had started very early, hoping to keep an open line of communication with our son. It seemed to work. He often initiated discussions. Some were heated. Others were poignant. But a good number of them were hysterically funny. My husband and I had had countless talks with him about safety, drugs, strangers, alcohol, smoking, friendship, girls, sex and anything else we could think of.

Girls were becoming a nuisance, especially girls older than him. They were aggressive, showing up in posses more often than by themselves. Fear of parents? Power in numbers? Did these young women see him as a holdout, someone to conquer? (Please bear in mind that I am mom to two of the female persuasion as well…)

Experts have said the biggest influence on kids is not their peers, but their parents. I sure hoped so. My son was on the verge of making some major choices in his life. I reminded myself that his frontal lobe wasn’t anywhere close to maturity and his decision-making abilities required assistance—mine.

Parents are told to slowly let go of their kids as they move into adulthood—a little give, a little take. At this moment I saw the need for “a little take” and a check-up of my son’s “compass.” He had his learner’s permit and would have his driver’s license in the following year. Dating would follow soon after that and it was important to be more open about morals, values, accountability, actions, and consequences. We would be having similar discussions about other topics.
“Why isn’t it sex?”

“It’s just not, Mom. Sex is sex. You know…” and he provided me with a hand–made demonstration.

“Okay, for a moment, let’s say it’s not sex. It’s all right for the girl you like to do that with some boy or for you to do that with another girl. Like sharing ice cream, right? You’re cool with that, right?”

“Mom! No. I’d drop her. She’d be a ho,” he said.

“I see…” the light was dawning.

“I think about it, but I haven’t done it, Mom,” he said.

“Well, that’s a good decision on your part. I’m proud of you,” I said, and then, “What about STD’s?”

“Well, you couldn’t get them,” he said.

“Explain that to me, how you’re going to avoid STD’s,” I said, “I’m not convinced.”

My son gave his rendition of safe oral sex. It was creative, but I wasn’t buying it. I shared what I knew about HPV, Chlamydia and herpes. It was the same stuff he had heard from his father and me and in health class before. I reiterated what we’d been telling him for years, safe sex was no sex.

I went back to the earlier point. “Why do you think its called oral sex?” I asked.

He was quiet for a minute and then said, “That’s just what you and Dad call it. I don’t know; it just is, but it isn’t sex. I don’t think it is. I’m confused.” he said.

He wasn’t the only one. I was confused too. I didn’t raise a son to treat a girl (or anyone) as disposable. If my son were to engage in this behavior, what would the future hold for him? Would he be able to form and sustain a healthy intimate and loving adult relationship? Would he be forever haunted by the decisions he rashly made as a teenager, not understanding the possible ramifications and long-term consequences?

I changed the focus of this conversation, hitting solidly on relationships. We talked about “friends with benefits,” “hooking up,” intimacy, self-esteem and manipulation. We both took new perspectives away from this. His dad talked with him about it a day or so later. Kind of a good cop—good cop thing…

We’ve had other talks since this one. He continues to search for answers to his questions. He challenges our answers and that’s good because he is digging for understanding of what he is comfortable with and who he wants to become

Teens today are growing up in a sexually open society. Experts feel parents should do the following:

• Begin talking with their kids about sex when they are young, adjusting it for their age. Look for teachable moments—like potty training. Instead of talking at them, involve them by asking their opinions and listening.
• Remain calm during these talks. Address questions and issues as calmly as possible. Kids will often ask questions when parents are involved in something else because they are uncomfortable. If you overreact you will stop the conversation before it can get going. They’ve come to you because they trust you. Stop what you’re doing and focus on them. Questions and curiosity are normal.
• Share your values with your child. Tell them what you believe and why. They want to know. You are their role model.
• Build your child’s self esteem through praise, support, affection.  Find ways to make them feel good about themselves and their choices.
• Give your child the gift of your time, demonstrating that the relationship you have with them is important. This is where they learn about relationships with others.

The facts:

Almost 750,000 teens experience pregnancy each year (according to the CDC’s Teen Pregnancy Fact Sheet). U.S. teens also contract roughly three million sexually transmitted STI’s (sexually transmitted infections) annually (according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute’s “Facts in Brief: Teen Sex and Pregnancy”).

Amplify (AmplifyYourVoice.org) states this in their report card on Oklahoma’s Young People’s Sexual Health:

• The Oklahoma teen (ages 15 -19) pregnancy rate of 86/1000 is close to the national rate of 84/1000.
• The state has the 23rd highest teen pregnancy rate in the U.S.
• Oklahoma’s AIDS rate of 5.7/100,000 people is lower than the national average of 13/100,000.
• Condom usage is near the national average.
• There are over 48,000 sexually active teens.
• Over 2500 people live with HIV.

Judy M. Miller lives in the Indiana with her husband and four children. Judy’s essays and articles have appeared in parenting magazines. Her story, "Souls Speak”, is featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families (Adams Media). “Healing the Roots of Our Grafted Tree” is featured in the upcoming Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press, September, 2009). She is a columnist for the adoption network, Grown in My Heart.